As beautiful as single life can be, when you’re looking for love on the really bad days you feel like an old scarf in a gift box: first you’re picked up, looked at from all sides, grabbed – and then dropped again without comment .
This lack of respect in the dating market increasingly discourages singles. A recent survey conducted by Badoo shows that one in six German singles has their confidence in finding a partner at an all-time low. Those affected are particularly annoyed by not taking their feelings seriously and by lying dating profiles (32% each).
“Many of these negative dating trends upset daters and have an effect on their self-esteem.”
Sexpertin Paula Lambert
This has sad consequences: Those who have had negative experiences are often hesitant to date again and need a break first (43%), and around a quarter (24%) even give up on dating altogether afterwards. It’s time to fight for a more positive relationship in the singles world.
It is normal that the acquaintance of two strangers does not always go well, but: What behavior is truly toxic when dating someone? Do we actually notice when we behave incorrectly? As part of the launch of Badoo’s Dating Confidence Report, we spoke to Paula Lambert about it.
Paula Lambert is one of the best-known sex and relationship experts in German-speaking countries. Photo: private
Paula is Germany’s best-known expert on sex and relationships (TV show “Paula Comes” and podcasts “Paula. Learning to Love” and “Four Breasts for a Hallelujah”). She tells us when she should ring the alarm bells.
“Disrespectful behavior is obviously the biggest red flag,” he says. “At worst, it’s gaslighting, catfishing, ghosting.” So the minimization of the feelings and perceptions of the other, the fake profiles and the sudden interruption of contacts without any explanation.
«The other person is responsible for these behaviors. Is not you!”
Sexpertin Paula Lambert
Anyone who enters the fray of the singles market will sooner or later have to deal with these negative side effects, which can create confusion for those affected. Is she still teasing or bullying? Is the other person really committed or just not interested?
About ghosting and fake profiles
You rarely ask yourself as many interpersonal questions as when dating. This is hard on the kidneys. “Many of these negative dating trends upset daters and have an effect on their self-esteem,” says Paula and explains:
«This is also confirmed by a current study by the dating app Badoo. 88% of respondents who have experienced such behavior believe their dating confidence is compromised. A quarter have lost so much confidence in themselves that they haven’t dated since.”
32% of respondents said gaslighting affected their dating behavior the most and they haven’t dated since, followed closely by love bombing (31%) and negging (30%). The vast majority of respondents (87%) who have experienced these behaviors agree that their dating confidence has been affected in this way.
Negging and Love Bombing
Negging is a manipulative technique that appears to flatter the other person. What he actually wants to do is criticize you in a subtle way so that you become insecure.
Love bombing: the so-called love bomber often showers his partner with expressions of love or gifts immediately after the first acquaintance, with the aim of binding the other person to him and gaining control and power over him.
Wikipedia
You can’t protect yourself from it. But you can learn to deal with negative experiences so they don’t damage your self-esteem. Relationship expert Paula Lambert says, “It’s important to make it clear to yourself that the other person is responsible for these behaviors. Is not you!”
Good news: there are some “green flags,” as Paula Lambert explains. Signs that an exceptional person is sitting in front of you could be, for example: the person is not afraid to show himself vulnerable, the person does not expect you to be happy all the time, the person knows how to laugh at himself, he knows where he still is itself has construction sites and has no problem apologizing.
Would I notice if I was behaving toxically?
Of course, there are always two aspects of a proper date. Even though everyone hates being ghosted and lit, at the same time it can happen that you don’t respond to them or don’t take the other person’s feelings seriously enough.
“Treat others only as you would like to be treated yourself.”
Sexpertin Paula Lambert
What can daters themselves do for a fairer singles market? Do you also notice that you are acting toxic? “This of course includes self-reflection and the buzzword authenticity,” says Paula Lambert. She advises singles: “Constantly question your online dating behavior and only treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself.”
This also includes not shying away from unpleasant conversations. “Be brave,” Paula clearly advises. “For example, if you lose interest in someone, say so honestly instead of not responding.” A few clear words instead of a secret disappearance hurt significantly fewer feelings in the long term.
If you want to be honest, you shouldn’t shy away from an honest explanation. Image: shutterstock
But even during the dating process, it pays to stay authentic, she explains. He also helps not to put everything on the table and be able to allow for small interpersonal errors. The relationship expert explains:
“If you have the courage to be open and show your weaknesses, to be able to laugh at yourself and apologize if the other person sees something differently, then there is a lot to be said for being sincere and honest”.
Or to shorten it: Be the sincere, tolerant, and fun date you want to be with. “Consciously participate in online dating so that it becomes a good experience for you and others,” concludes Paula.
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