Lately, I’ve been thinking a little about what family and friends really think about the things I’ve done. Of the gifts they received from me, of the dinners I served them. How big is the distance between what they say and what they think.
What brought me to these thoughts was seeing “You Hurt My Feelings.” The film is a small comedy-drama about the lives of privileged but uptight people in New York’s solid middle class, and it definitely doesn’t appear on many “best of the year” lists.
Central is a married couple, writer Beth (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and psychologist Don (Tobias Menzies). They get into a crisis when Beth overhears a conversation in which Don admits that he doesn’t like his latest book. It’s a book she’s been working on for two years, struggling and worrying, while her husband has constantly assured her that he is wonderful.
WORK: Beth (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and Don (Tobias Menzies) have a caring marriage, but the marriage is rocked when Beth discovers what Don didn’t tell.
Probably most of us are both Beth and Don at times. Maybe up to several times a week. We accept that intimate relationships are both raw and real and little comedies at the same time. Many times it seemed obvious that critical honesty brought no good.
Your friend has already bought and hung the new curtains, so why would you say you find them gaudy? Everyone is sitting around eating Christmas dinner and looking pretty happy, will you be the one to point out that the swearing wasn’t the craziest?
Obviously not. Space Christmas is a time when these little games come frequently. All Christmas presents are welcome, all food is good, because it’s not the feelings of the moment that matter most. It’s the ritual and it’s the effort that others have made for you.
In “You Hurt My Feelings”, Don tenaciously defends himself when Beth gets angry, wondering if he can trust everything she says. As the husband sees it, her job is to support his wife. Keep her trust. Furthermore, she has no knowledge of literature, so his assessment of the book’s quality may be ill-founded. If she can’t trust him on his team, who can she trust?
RADAR COUPLE: Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus and director Nicole Holofcener have worked together several times. Holofcener likes to take a closer look at the little knocks and deceptions in relationships between people who would otherwise have taken care of most things.
Photo: AP
Two forms of trust contrast each other. Trust that the other person will honestly answer what you ask violates trust that the other person is on your side against the world. Sometimes it is not possible to maintain both at the same time.
There are many who would disagree with Don. Who would claim that the one who loves you is honest with you. Only then can you become the best version of yourself out there, where everyone else sees you. Someone who truly loves you won’t let you walk out the door with a stained shirt or unbrushed teeth.
Linguist and author Deborah Tannen has written several books on communication between close people. One of her books is about mothers and daughters and is called “Are You Wearing It?”
MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS: Linguist and author Deborah Tannen studied communication between mothers and daughters and concluded that mothers feel they have the right to say a lot about their daughters’ appearance.
Photo: Ap
One of Tannen’s findings is that many mothers comment on very personal characteristics of their daughters: what they wear, how much they weigh, what their hair looks like. It may be perceived as invasive by daughters. But mothers will often act spontaneously and intuitively, based on a sense that they have to speak up, because no one else will. They have to keep their daughters from misbehaving, and a momentary bad mood is a price they believe is worth paying.
The first approach, let’s call it Don’s method, is in a certain sense the most convenient. Yes, you make sure that your partner, or your siblings, friends, parents, colleagues go through the day with their sense of self intact. But you also free yourself from the burden of speaking up. Deal with other people’s disappointment and discomfort. You don’t have the responsibility that comes with it, of reading several drafts, deciding on alternative sofas, curtains or paintings.
The second approach, the one preferred by mothers in Tannen selection, has its problems. Because who are you to judge other people’s choices? Maybe there’s a reason your living room looks like this? Perhaps daughters actually want to dress more or less ornately than their mother deems appropriate?
REALITY COUPLE: Comedians and actors David Cross and Amber Tamblyn are married, but they play a couple on the verge of divorce in “You Hurt My Feelings.”
Photo: AP
Between these different considerations, we all try to find a route, just as others navigate the same way to meet us. Of course, a number of other considerations also come into play.
Is it an area where the other person has low self-esteem or an area that is not so dangerous? Are you asking for help evaluating a process or a finished result? What complicates the situation for everyone involved in “You Hurt My Feelings” is that none of them feel secure professionally.
The patients Don kindly tries to help are increasingly impatient with him. Beth has already published only one autobiography. She has a vague feeling that she should have done better and wonders if she would have helped her sales if her father had been physically abusive instead of simply scolding her. Her sister is an interior designer trying to sell increasingly bizarre lamps to a customer she is never satisfied with, while her husband has just been fired from an acting job.
EVERYTHING NOT SAID: Director Nicole Holofcener also raised questions about everything we have to keep quiet about in close relationships also in the romantic comedy “Enough Said”, again with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. It was supposed to be actor James Gandolfini’s last film.
Photo: Shutterstock editorial
They operate in exciting and attractive industries, but none of them are confident that they can actually accomplish what they’re doing. So the next negative comment may feel like a downgrade of your entire career.
Then, of course, there is also the question of what is worth dwelling on. A somewhat incredulous Don points out to his wife that in a world on fire, her opinion of his novel is a special thing to fall in love with. But everyone exists in both a small world and a big one, at the same time. And in the small world it takes a certain number of lies for him to get around on his own.
2023-12-28 16:17:24
#lie #Expression