When Margot met Loïc (not their real names) five years ago, they had both just come out of a long-term relationship. At the time, both 23-year-olds wanted to take things slow, but they quickly fell in love. Only after spending a few nights together did they realize they had a very serious problem: “sexsomnia”, also known as sleep sex or sexual somnambulism.
This means that Loïc touches himself at night or initiates sex, even if he is asleep. The first time it happened, Margot thought it was just normal sex, even though it felt weird, like “her brain had shut down,” as she describes it. “He says and does things he doesn’t normally do, breathes differently and looks away,” she says of her sexsomnia.
‘Vague memory’
One morning he asked me without really knowing where to start. She said she had a vague memory of sex, but didn’t really remember it. According to Sharon Chung, a researcher in the Sleep Research Unit at University Health Network in Toronto, this little-known condition affects 8% of people with sleep disorders.
Just as a sleepwalker can take a shower without remembering anything the next day, Loïc can engage in sexual behavior – be it masturbation or penetration – while he sleeps. Sexsomnia doesn’t just affect the person struggling with the disorder. They are often much more “sexually aggressive” than when they are awake and unfortunately their partners often receive this treatment. “He could never be violent in real life,” Margot said. “But at night he’s a completely different person.” Neurologist and sexologist Aurore Malet-Karas calls the phenomenon “reduced inhibition.”
“He is the source, but he also suffers from it”
In other words, the person cannot control their sexual urges. “We haven’t yet been able to determine whether this is related to unconscious fantasies or not,” she adds. The tricky thing about sexsomnia is that it touches on questions of moral and personal responsibility: Loïc unintentionally imposes a lot on Margot. “It’s very complicated because you’re my boyfriend, not my abuser,” she says. “Sometimes it’s hard not to be bitter after having a terrible night. He’s the source of the problem, but he suffers from it too. She doesn’t do it on purpose.”
“Sometimes I really have to beat him”
At first Margot chose to stay with him. Somewhere at that point, she explains, she felt committed to supporting him. She couldn’t bear to leave the person she loved alone with her condition. But because sexsomnia is still poorly understood by the public and medical authorities, she often feels alone and isolated. “The topic hasn’t been discussed or studied for a long time,” says Malet-Karas. “From a neurobiological point of view, we don’t have much to rely on.”
For a while, Margot tried to reassure and support Loïc, but this led her to neglect herself and the impact of Loïc’s condition on her life. After all, sleep has a major impact on quality of life, explains Malet-Karas. When sleep is constantly disrupted, you can develop fatigue and serious health problems—just ask any new parent. “It affects my self-esteem and my libido,” sighs Margot. Margot still has to push Loïc away every day. “It ranges from a simple, slightly assertive hug, where I just have to push him, to actually hitting him,” she says.
“He said he was a rapist”
“It’s really hard because it feels like gratuitous violence. I’ll hit him and he won’t even remember it.” Every morning, before even saying goodbye, Loïc asks what happened during the night and apologizes. While Margot doesn’t blame him for bothering him, resentment inevitably surfaces when they argue. “The problem always comes up,” she adds. During the first month of their relationship, Margot fell asleep early and Loïc attempted to penetrate her, leaving her injured. She started screaming, which woke him up and made him realize what he was doing. He started sobbing and said that he was a rapist, even though he had no memory of what had just happened.
“If these episodes had remained small and easy to resist, he would never have noticed the problem,” says Margot. It took several months before Loïc finally sought help. “The fact that you’re sleeping, that you’re not experiencing these actions… It took me a long time to realize that [wat er aan de hand was]”, explains Loïc. “I blamed myself because it took me too long to understand how serious the situation was.” At first Loïc thought he could do it on his own, just like a typical man who refuses to see a doctor, he recalls Margot herself. “Very patriarchal,” she adds.
Complicated, both legally and ethically
Sexsomnia is also complicated from a legal and ethical perspective. When Loïc has sex with Margot while she sleeps, he does not ask for consent. Controversially, some defense lawyers in sexual assault cases have even claimed to suffer from sexsomnia as part of a successful defense. But Malet-Karas believes the issue is not black and white when people are aware of their partner’s diagnosis and remain in the relationship of their own free will. “It all depends on the decision to do it [de gediagnosticeerde partner] whether to support it or not,” explains Malet-Karas.
A year ago, all these complications led Margot to break up with Loïc. “I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt alone with this problem,” she says. A few months later they meet again, but on one condition: Loïc must seek the help of a specialist. “I kept putting it off because I knew it would be a long process,” Loïc recalls. “But it is a journey that must be made.” According to Malet-Karas, sexsomnia is rarely treated. “You have to learn to live with it,” she explains. This is where Loïc and Margot are now: they have made the necessary changes to make their life as a couple as healthy as possible.
Second bedroom
They have a second bedroom so Margot can sleep alone if she wants; a situation that Loïc finds sad, but “he manages it [mijn] putting feelings aside to do what needs to be done.” When they sleep together, they place a body pillow between them. “I can no longer feel comfortable with his skin against mine,” says Loïc. Although they do their best not to let the disorder dominate their relationship, it reoccurs in their daily lives. Since the diagnosis, their sex life has been almost non-existent – Margot may find daily sex too stimulating. “It’s a sort of pause needed, says “We’re still a little shocked by all of this, even after five years.”
Loïc hopes they can find a way to return to normal intimacy. “Sex today is full of fear,” she says. “I would rather do nothing than take the risk of something going wrong. But this disturbance robs us of something fun.” It’s hard to imagine what the future holds for them, but Loïc and Margot are still in love and say they want to say goodbye side by side. However, on bad days, Margot sometimes feels like she’s headed for a breakup.
“We’ll take care of it”
“I hope it can relieve me of some of the weight I carry,” he says. “I am confident because it has already started.” If there is a positive aspect in their ordeal it is that they have learned to communicate very well with each other and now, paradoxically, they feel very at ease. “It’s strange, we know we want children even if we don’t have sex,” says Loïc. “We’re taking it day by day, but there’s hope. We’ll get through it.”
(Bron: Deputy)
(Intropic: Freepik image)
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2023-12-31 08:34:00
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