How to be a mother and work at the same time? Find the balance

Being a mother is a complex task that requires support and a lot of learning so that while enjoying this stage, other aspects of life are not neglected. For this reason, the psychologist specialized in family and couples therapy, Alejandro Salas Aguilera, gives an interview to this medium in order to dispel doubts.

The first thing to refer to is the definitions. Motherhood is, then, the state in which a woman manages to have children, which is established before her birth: in her own pregnancy. In this state a series of links are generated: biological, psychological and spiritual.

“It also has the function of perpetuating the human species, although it is more complex than that, because it also fulfills the important social function of integrating the family group and turning it into the cell on which society is based and where the first ties arise. of social control. With this we can affirm that motherhood fulfills a basic and indispensable social function,” he says.

Expectations

Alejandro Salas considers that it is necessary to redefine the concept of motherhoodin one that does not go to extremes: do not stigmatize it, since it has an important social function and is vital for human relationships, but at the same time, it should not be romanticized either.

Furthermore, although there are differences, a mother always remains one. Regardless of the age of her children, they are often concerned about her well-being.

“In all cases it is something beautiful and can even be a blessing. But it is also accepting that sometimes there will be moments where a woman may feel bad or may feel that she is not in some way satisfied with what she expected.

“That is why it is important to resignify, to adapt to the situation, to locate precisely what those limits mentioned. Yes, to the extent that it corresponds to me, to the extent that it does not correspond to me.”

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This also helps to measure expectations, in the sense that you need to meet certain demands, such as dedicating yourself exclusively to this activity, which is, due to the responsibility and demand it carries, a generator of stress and fatigue.

Failure to meet expectations, sometimes excessive, may generate a feeling of guilt in the mother.

To establish yourself well in reality, says the psychologist, you must understand that time is limited. Although not everything has to be done in a defined time.

There are things that can be done later and others that cannot. It is important that, once you understand this, you do not demand more than possible.

“Mothers who are workers must know their limits of their energy and patience, not fall into the concept of the omnipotent mother, and must learn to delegate tasks, teamwork, which can be with their partner.

“You must learn to prioritize what you really want at a certain time and own your choices. Give up certain situations to adapt to this new stage, to transform guilt into responsibility.”

Support net

The psychologist emphasizes that a mother should rely on her close people, whether they have equal or lesser responsibility for the child. Raising a child is rarely truly the job of one person.

When there is a traditional family, the father must also assume his work, his paternity, in order to generate ties with his son and so that the entire burden does not fall on the mother.

In the same way, you can reach a more equitable agreement with household chores, so that you can also rest.

The same thing happens when the parents do not live together. A separation or divorce does not exempt the responsibility, not only economic, but also of caring and educating, that a father has for his children.

In these scenarios, parents can also, and should, exercise parenthood and generate healthy bonds with their children.

“You must assume responsibility and have unity so that the other party does not fall into this monopolization, or feel that it is only women’s responsibility, as if they were the only ones who can or have to do that work.”

Even when the father is not there, it is also possible to create a support network that, in many cases, falls on the grandparents, but this must be done in moderation, since the responsibility, in the end, is not theirs.

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What can accompany

There are several disorders that can accompany motherhood. One is depression, which can be accompanied by a certain degree of anxiety, which must be identified so that the process is carried out healthily.

“In these cases, it is necessary to determine whether that anxiety is at what degree or level: if it is mild, moderate or severe. Depending on that, then start a multidisciplinary and comprehensive and specialized treatment.

“It must be noted that if, apart from depression or anxiety, they present high levels of stress or tension, which can lead them to self-medication or substance abuse, which only complicates their situation.”

Also It is possible that, beforehand, an unaddressed disorder has occurred, and that motherhood has been a trigger for the symptoms or making them more noticeable.

“Sometimes depression comes from before, and these changes at a physiological level, at a psychological level, at an emotional level that being a mother or learning to be a mother entails, can trigger or perhaps aggravate a depression or a depressive disorder that had been coming before.

“This can be characterized by symptoms of emotional discomfort, anguish, insecurities, feeling unable to carry out the role of mother. It is also known as smiling depression, in which even though they emotionally feel all this discomfort or this lack of energy , many times for meeting these expectations that we mentioned before.”

This depression can also spread to other family members:

“Many times all that attention is towards that depression. It can be transmitted to our sons or daughters and those children can somehow act out, which is reflected in behavioral problems, poor academic performance or addictions.

“That is why it is very important to find a way to have a stable home, to better manage emotions.”