Always striving to please others seems generous and selfless, but it is one of the most selfish behaviors, as pleasing people stems from fear, insecurity, and the need to feel approval, based on the sad belief that you are not enough, and that you need to raise your value among people by meeting their needs. And their desires at the expense of yourself.
The feeling of being forced or coerced into something becomes more complicated through the spotlight, where we have a distorted belief that everyone is constantly watching us and criticizing us less than others, which is a harmful feeling for ordinary people, but it is worse for those who seek to please others, because it raises the level of fear. They reach new levels, causing them to commit a number of harmful behaviors.
There is no dispute that pleasing others is a harmful act. You may get the acceptance you seek, but for a short time, as it will be fleeting or fake, and then you will have to deal with the consequences after that, for example, or injustice will seep in the form of aggressive and negative behavior, Or it will explode like a volcano, or your health in general will be at risk, due to the huge amount of tasks you are forcing yourself to undertake, and finally you may end up in distorted relationships, because you have placed yourself in a secondary role and always carry another face above your real face.
There are many reasons behind the behavior of pleasing others, which begin with the beliefs that we hold about ourselves, which are simply that we feel that we are inferior to others in some way or another, which prompts us to adopt self-tricks to please people, and in fact, to enhance that desire. These reasons are divided into four main reasons, according to the author:
The first reason: the wrong concept of relationships, and the idea that serving others should be your top priority, even if it is at the expense of yourself. If you have this belief, you will feel guilty if you try to behave in a way other than him or in a way against him.
The second reason: feeling inferior. If you do not feel that you are equal to others in value, or that others will accept you just for your sake, you will see that your only chance with them is to retreat from what you want and follow people’s whims.
The third reason: We learned in our childhood that generosity and kindness are wonderful traits, but some of us go too far and take the matter too far, thinking that the idea of giving priority to oneself is a type of selfishness and negativity, so we always work to favor the interest of others over our own personal interest.
The fourth reason: Many people who deliberately try to please others fear the idea of confrontation, as they hate tension and discomfort, and they do their best to avoid those feelings, just like someone who fears the idea of receiving a violation and focuses his entire focus on the presence of the radar at all times.
Therefore, you must seek to reprogram your beliefs, as the behavior of pleasing others makes you adopt some deeply held beliefs, which require reprogramming, and cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the essential elements in changing those beliefs.
You must also become more selfish at times, because we have a belief that selfishness is a bad trait, although the truth is that you must be selfish, even if you want to serve others, because only then will you be able to serve them with your full capacity, because selfishness It does not mean neglecting others, but rather simply giving priority to your body and mind.
You must accept and love yourself, be more compassionate with yourself and understand that acceptance is a choice and it is usually a very difficult choice because of the impossible standards and expectations that you set before you. You must believe that assertiveness is not a bad quality either, and is not equated with aggression in anything. Always put yourself in the shoes of others, in order to act decisively, and be innovative in finding ways for both parties to win in a situation.
You must accept the confrontation and deal with it better. Also, a good way to overcome the fear of confrontation is to use exposure therapy, where you can create a hierarchy of fear for yourself regarding the confrontation, which will help you get used to the stress and show you how nothing will happen. If you face your fears.
Unfortunately, over time, other-pleasing behaviors tend to turn into habits or automatic responses. We may intend something different, but if our first and second instincts push us to please, we cannot become assertive people, so it becomes necessary to change a few of these unconscious habits to break them. These harmful patterns.
Try to understand why you engage in other-pleasing behaviors and you will be able to understand that you are not doing it out of free will or out of generosity. This can happen easily, as you ask yourself why five times in a row for five different reasons to try to understand the motivation behind your actions.
Build independence and be free from the opinions and ideas of others. Appreciate your opinions and ideas and do not automatically submit yourself to others. Reduce and stop creating one-sided relationships by making people depend on you. In order to get rid of that, you must give them space to act on their own.
Leave your past behind you. Although it shapes yourself, you are not your experiences and memories. Try to realize that you are acting out of the past or out of your free will.
Be strong under pressure. When you stop pleasing others, you will face some angry reactions. Although it is not their fault because you raised their expectations, this is where you should not give in under pressure as you did before. It will only take five seconds of willpower. Maximum and then it will become easier every time after that.
Stop taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and happiness. Every person is responsible for his own emotions and happiness. You do not need to be anyone’s emotional guardian, especially if that poses harm to you.
Strong and clear boundaries are one of the best defense methods against the desire to please others and people who might make you do that, which you should not keep to yourself, or make it seem so flexible that people will see no reason to adhere to it, but rather you should make it clear and implement it without exception. .
You need to clarify your boundaries first by exploring your primary and secondary values. This is how you know what to protect, what to give up, and then communicate them to others.
Another key aspect is imagining the consequences, and then implementing them. This is what happens when someone tries to violate your boundaries after you have communicated them to them.
You can define this part according to what you want, provided that you do something and do not stand still. Otherwise, this will lead to having boundaries that are easy to penetrate, which will become tantamount to having no boundaries at all. However, know that these consequences cannot be very rigid.
Unfortunately, you will always receive some kind of negative reaction to your boundaries, which is something you must be prepared for, but it will be difficult nonetheless. People do not like to feel rejected, but this should reflect on them, not on you as a person.
Saying no is one of the most difficult situations in daily life because it is one small confrontation at a time, but there are many ways to make this part of life smoother and less stressful.
Start by saying “I don’t” versus “I can’t” because that sentence implies that you have a special policy, while the latter means that you will say something that can be negotiated. Likewise, get used to saying no more generally because that also includes a policy of no exceptions.
There are countless ways to say no, a few of which you already know, the simplest of which includes a complete no sentence. Understand that people will have a strong reaction if you have a history of people-pleasing.
Other ways to say no include planting preventive seeds by emphasizing your connection to other people and your inability to act independently all the time, pointing out the fact that you cannot do everything at once, and resisting the moment when you feel like you want to argue. About the matter, according to the “Understand Yourself” website.
#Bilad #newspaper #read #book #Stop #pleasing